I feel like a complete failure.

I’m at such a low point in my life right now; I’m having trouble finding the energy to do anything but complain and feel sorry for myself. I resigned from my job at the hospital on February 17 and moved back to Louisiana to live with my parents because I missed being home. I’ve sent in applications to quite a few different places, and I still have yet to find a job I want that suits me and my degree. Feelings of being incompetent and worthless have really clouded my mind this past week to the point where I feel absolutely hopeless.

These past few weeks aside from job hunting at working at my parents’ restaurant one day a week, I’ve only watched Netflix for hours at a time and hung out with my friends a couple of times a week. All of this free time is really starting to get to me, making me feel like my life is headed in no direction.

I’ve been questioning my major, my life decisions, and just life in general.

How do we know what we’re meant to do? What if we never end up doing it…?

 

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LEAVES

I originally wrote this a couple of years ago when I was a junior in college. I found it again recently while I was looking through old word docs on my laptop, so I decided to edit it a bit and share. 🙂

My ears filled with the loud rustling of leaves from the tree I sat beneath. Occasionally the harsh winds ripped a red, orange, or yellow leaf from its branch, and it found its way into my lap. Attempting to keep warm with my hands stuffed deeply into the pockets of my favorite navy fleece jacket, I left them alone, untouched.

And when the next strong gust of wind blew, the leaves flew back into the air or the ground, mixing with the rest of the world. In their place sat new leaves or nothing at all.

As I sat at the bus stop and watched the leaves scamper in and out of my lap, I started feeling nostalgic and overwhelmingly sentimental and fought the urge to give myself a literal pat on the back when I made a metaphorical connection of how the people in our lives are exactly like those leaves, flying rapidly in and out — a constant change.

With every waking second another face, life, and story could become known or lost to us.

It’s funny how we can give our whole heart to someone for so many days, months, and even years, but after some seemingly melodramatic event, not give a damn about them anymore. We say we still care for the sake of not seeming like total assholes, but deep down our feelings are nonexistent. The people we once shared an emotional connection with are forgotten to us, and to them, we are nothing more than a mere memory hardly to be retrieved again.

But as humans, we yearn for more. We replace the old with the new: new people, new adventures, new memories. We search for others to fill up the emptiness inside of us left by the previous. We mentally and physically crave the feelings of being wanted and needed. And continuously, we search for those people until we finally find the ones who are worth fighting the wind for.

My Awkward Graduation Photos

I thought I’d share my extremely awkward graduation photos from May 2016. I didn’t really want to spend money on graduation photos (the cap, gown, and fee to graduate was already like $150), so I decided to take my own pictures on my handy dandy Macbook Pro. All photos were taken in my backyard as you can probably tell, and the dragon ball that I’m holding is my younger brother’s. I borrowed it without his permission. #rebel

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